Tony Dungy was writing to parents, but it occurred to me that the message he presented applied equally well to all leaders.
Here’s a paragraph from Dungy, the former NFL player and coach, but I’ve parenthetically added the word “leader” as a substitute for “parent” and the words “team members” or “employees” where he wrote “kids.”
“What do you do when you have failed as a [leader]? We seem to know exactly what we want our [employees] to do. The question is: Are we holding ourselves to the same standard? The last thing we want to do is lose the respect of our [team members]. Sometimes we think defending our actions at all costs is the way to go.”
Dungy offers parents a two-step formula for handling their failures:
1. Understand your mistake and its impact.
2. Apologize and repent (two actions that work together as one).
Leaders want their teams to be responsible and accountable, not blame-shifters and finger-pointers. We can create that type of team partly by providing a good example of what it looks like to own our mistakes.
The temptation—and I’ve felt it and given into it—is to resist showing our weaknesses. We think followers will lose trust and confidence in us if they know we are flawed and don’t always have the answers. In fact, just the opposite is true. If we handle our mistakes appropriately, we can build respect and trust that strengthens our leadership.
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Understanding our mistakes, the first step in Dungy’s formula, is mainly an intellectual process. It’s an exercise in introspection, although at times we might need friends and mentors to help us sort things out and fully grasp the impact the mistake had on others.
The harder part, in my opinion, is the second step, because it requires the right words, the right attitude and willingness to become vulnerable with other people. The apology is not something we can fake or approach nonchalantly, and we can’t keep it to ourselves. We have to express it and live it.
We’ve all heard and read half-hearted, disingenuous apologies. Those do more harm than good. And true repentance isn’t easy. The word literally means to “turn from.” There has to be a feeling of contrition that leads to an action—a new direction that’s different from the old direction. Repentance provides proof that the apology was real.
That’s where leaders have an avenue to actually lead. We can admit and own our mistake and the impact it had on those around us. Then our apology can include a commitment to doing better. And, finally, we can keep that commitment.
Whether we are leading a family, a football team, a high-performance team, or an entire company, we inevitably will make mistakes. Owning them in the right way can become a strong point in our leadership.
