An excerpt from Rethinking Empathy: How to Share Support When You Don’t Share Another’s Experience, a bonus chapter to Transfluence.
On the evening of November 6, 2004, Brian Drysdale, a chef at the Wokefield Park Hotel, drove to Ufton Nervet, a rural village in West Berkshire, England. He parked, turned off the engine, and applied the handbrake. Then, he waited on the InterCity 125 commuter train that traveled from London’s Paddington station to Plymouth.
No one knows Drysdale’s thoughts as the train approached, or what Stanley Martin, the train’s engineer, thought when he saw Drysdale’s car parked squarely in the middle of the crossing. But we do know that at 6:12 p.m., the locomotive hit the car, derailing all eight of its coaches and killing Drysdale, Martin, and five train passengers — Anjanette Rossi, 38; Louella Main, 9; Charlie Matthews, 72; Barry Strevens, 55; and Emily Webster, 14. Another one hundred people — half the passengers on the train — were injured, including an employee who worked for me at Prologis.
For months, he struggled with the trauma of climbing out of a rail car with the injured and dead all around him. I could not possibly put myself in his shoes, of course. While I understood (intellectually) that he had experienced a tremendous trauma, I had no idea how to help him. But that didn’t mean I was helpless or that I had no obligation to act as a leader. When I offered to get him into counseling or extended time off, he declined. Mostly, I just listened, and he seemed to appreciate that I was giving him my time and attention. I don’t know how much it helped, but it was all I knew to do.
And that’s encouraging news for anyone who knows they lack the natural gift of empathy and for those who recognize their empathy is limited. You don’t have to have all the answers. You don’t have to know the perfect way to respond. You just have show that you care in the best way you know how.
The leadership approach described in Transfluence is all about making a positive difference in the lives of others — a transformative influence. And I believe our influence is magnified when we are helping others during times of pain. Transfluence happens when leaders demonstrate a 3H-Core where their behaviors are directed by honesty, humility, and heart. That core is essential to providing people who are hurting with something they actually need — and something everyone can give. It’s also the key to sharing in their joy. Let me explain:
Honesty
I’ve yet to meet someone going through a difficult time who didn’t rightfully want to hear the truth from their leaders. There are times when we can’t legally or ethically share something we know, but we don’t have a license to lie — or even to mislead. Few things cause pain on top of pain more than a confidant who wasn’t honest.
We also need to be honest with ourselves when we are struggling to empathize with someone who is experiencing success or joy. In doing so, we can mitigate our negative reactions. Or we might honestly tell the other person that while we can’t relate to their success, we’re still truly excited for them. If you tell me about winning an award at a classic car show, I won’t pretend that I can understand how you rebuilt the engine, but I can honestly relate to having pride in an accomplishment.
Humility
When someone is going through a painful time, they certainly don’t want to feast at the table of our arrogance. A humble leader admits he or she doesn’t have all the answers, which makes it far easier to listen and respond without presuming to know what’s best for the other person.
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Humble leaders also know the world doesn’t revolve around them. Humility makes it more natural to celebrate the success of others, because a humble leader isn’t overly wrapped up in his or her personal achievements. Humility knows success isn’t a zero-sum gain — i.e., I don’t have to lose for you to win.
Heart
For me, heart is all about respecting the human dignity that’s inherent in all people — knowing that we all were created from the same clay and that their opinions, feelings, and experiences matter. In Christianity, Judaism, and some sects of Islam, this often is referred to as the theological doctrine of Imago Dei — Latin for the image of God. If we all bear the image of the Creator, we all have intrinsic value.
Treating people with dignity, especially when they are hurting, shows vulnerability. This creates a moment in time when you lift them up and give them an opening to reciprocate. These “lifts” help form relationships that are based on mutual respect, which allows you know their needs and how to meet them in better ways.
By focusing on the dignity of the people you lead, you can celebrate their successes and listen appreciatively to their stories — even the ones you don’t find that interesting. You might not care about the details of their camping trip to northern Iowa, but you will always care about the person telling it.
Nothing about leading with honesty, humility, and heart compels me to agree with someone when I disagree with them or to profess that I understand what they are going through or that I can share their experience. But the 3H-Core equips me to respond in a thoughtful, compassionate, truthful manner that serves the needs of the other person.
How to Share Support When You Don’t Share Another’s Experience
If you’d like to explore more about empathy and how to improve your leadership empathy skills, download my new bonus chapter.
